TOEFL Essay Workshop 10a3 김호준, 박민규, 박정원, 황정원
1. Why we chose this essay: The topic was intriguing, and it was written neatly so that it was easy to revise
2. Original Copy:
The future of the web lies in the cloud. The Cloud service is a type of on-line service in which people can upload files, and access them from anywhere. Some cloud services allow users to synchronize files with their cloud accounts onto certain folders. More and more people will upload their files into Cloud servers, to collaborate online, to back up critical information, and, of course, to access their files from anywhere, anytime. Such changes are already happening. As time goes on, the cloud will become more closely integrated with the traditional desktop, as well as mobile devices. Already, such changes are happening. The cloud allows people to synchronize, access, and to share their files anywhere, any time, on any device.
The Cloud allows a person to access his/her files anywhere, at any time. This ubiquitous availability means that the user can easily access his files, even when he/she is working on a different system. If he/she needs a file on his/her home computter while working on a friend’s computer, or working on a second computer at work, he/she could easily get access to the files that he/she needs to via cloud services. This is becoming increasingly important, as mobile devices play an increasingly important role in our daily computing. This would allow people to access the files saved on their computers on their mobile devices. Already, most major Cloud services have mobile applications published to provide support for mobile users to gain access to their file.
Another big advantage of the Cloud is that it provides a safe storage place for files that should not be deleted. This is not to say that Clouds are ‘secure’. They can become vulnerable to hacking at times. That Clouds are ‘safe’ means that it is difficult to lose files on the Cloud. For a person who isn’t a computer Guru, he/she may delete files that he/she needs by mistake. In that case, if the files were located only in his/her desktop, he/she would not be able to recover the important files. However, if the file was stored on the cloud, it would be easier for him/her to recover that file. It is also very difficult to lose files on the Cloud. Cloud services automatically create multiple copies of a file, and save it to servers located on various areas. For the everyday computer user, this is a huge benefit.
Finally, the cloud gives a boost to productivity. The advent of Cloud services mean that people can collaborate in real time. Already, many corporations are beginning to practice this. This eliminates the need for sending emails to see the latest versions of files. All a person would need is a web browser, and he/she would be able to see current state of the document in question, real time. Further, he/she could contribute to the development of the document. The boost in productivity is great. Many previously desktop-only office suites are currently moving towards supporting cloud services along with their desktop clients.
The Cloud allows a person to access his/her files anywhere, at any time. This ubiquitous availability means that the user can easily access his files, even when he/she is working on a different system. If he/she needs a file on his/her home computter while working on a friend’s computer, or working on a second computer at work, he/she could easily get access to the files that he/she needs to via cloud services. This is becoming increasingly important, as mobile devices play an increasingly important role in our daily computing. This would allow people to access the files saved on their computers on their mobile devices. Already, most major Cloud services have mobile applications published to provide support for mobile users to gain access to their file.
Another big advantage of the Cloud is that it provides a safe storage place for files that should not be deleted. This is not to say that Clouds are ‘secure’. They can become vulnerable to hacking at times. That Clouds are ‘safe’ means that it is difficult to lose files on the Cloud. For a person who isn’t a computer Guru, he/she may delete files that he/she needs by mistake. In that case, if the files were located only in his/her desktop, he/she would not be able to recover the important files. However, if the file was stored on the cloud, it would be easier for him/her to recover that file. It is also very difficult to lose files on the Cloud. Cloud services automatically create multiple copies of a file, and save it to servers located on various areas. For the everyday computer user, this is a huge benefit.
Finally, the cloud gives a boost to productivity. The advent of Cloud services mean that people can collaborate in real time. Already, many corporations are beginning to practice this. This eliminates the need for sending emails to see the latest versions of files. All a person would need is a web browser, and he/she would be able to see current state of the document in question, real time. Further, he/she could contribute to the development of the document. The boost in productivity is great. Many previously desktop-only office suites are currently moving towards supporting cloud services along with their desktop clients.
In conclusion, the Cloud is an emerging reality on the computing world. The cloud provides the user with boosted productivity, a safe place to save one’s files, and universal accessibility. Some people are still concerned about the problem of security, and say that information uploaded to the cloud could be exploited by Hackers. However, the cloud offer so many, great opportunities to the users. Whether one is happy about it or not, the Cloud will continue to grow more important. It is how we utilize it that would determine the exact usage of the future.
3. Good points and Bad points
⊙ Good
- Clear format : 5 paragraphs, 1 intro, 3 body paragraphs, 1 conclusion
- Interesting and specific topic
- Wide use of vocabulary, avoided repetition of a specific vocab
- Good use of pictures, neat
⊙ Bad
- Grammatical errors : plural or singular, issues with his/her/one
- Topic sentence unclear : cannot find one specific thesis that summarizes the major three points made
- Some ambiguity in content, for instance, the fourth paragraph needed elaboration
⊙ Good
- Clear format : 5 paragraphs, 1 intro, 3 body paragraphs, 1 conclusion
- Interesting and specific topic
- Wide use of vocabulary, avoided repetition of a specific vocab
- Good use of pictures, neat
⊙ Bad
- Grammatical errors : plural or singular, issues with his/her/one
- Topic sentence unclear : cannot find one specific thesis that summarizes the major three points made
- Some ambiguity in content, for instance, the fourth paragraph needed elaboration
☞ Focus on improving upon the bad points
4. How we revised this essay
We collaborated online via Google Docs Collaboration. All four of us were active in the editing process. We were able to edit the document together while sharing our opinions on specific sentences, words, etc. The revising process itself exemplifies the benefit of the Cloud.
5. Revised Copy:
Our Future On the Cloud
The future of the web lies in the cloud. The Cloud is a type of on-line service in which people can upload files and access them online. Some cloud services allow users to synchronize files with their cloud accounts onto certain folders. More and more people will upload their files into Cloud servers, to collaborate online, to back up critical information, and, of course, to access their files from anywhere, anytime. Such changes have already started.As time goes on, the cloud is becoming more closely integrated with the traditional desktop, as well as mobile devices. The cloud is becoming an increasingly important part of our lives, as they provide the users with several benefits.
The Cloud allows a person to access one’s files anywhere, at any time. This ubiquitous availability means that the user can easily access his files, even when he/she is working on a different system. If he/she needs a file on his/her home computer while working on a friend’s computer, or working on a second computer at work, he/she could easily get access to the files that he/she needs to via cloud services. This is becoming increasingly important, as mobile devices play an increasingly important role in our daily computer usage. Already, most major Cloud services have mobile applications published to provide support for mobile users to gain access to their files.
Another big advantage of the Cloud is that it provides a safe storage place for files that should not be deleted. This is not to say that Clouds are ‘secure’. They can become vulnerable to hacking at times. That Clouds are ‘safe’ means that it is difficult to lose files on the Cloud. For a person who isn’t a computer Guru, he/she may delete (files that he/she needs) significant files by mistake. In that case, if the files were located only in his/her desktop, he/she would not be able to recover the important files. However, if they were stored on the cloud, it would be easier for him/her to recover those files. The cloud is a safe place for one to back up, as cloud services take much care to avoid losing the user’s files. Cloud services automatically create multiple copies of those files, and save them to servers located on various areas. Especially for the everyday computer user, this is a huge benefit.
Finally, the cloud gives a boost in productivity, especially for businesses. The advent of Cloud services means that people can collaborate in real time. Already, many corporations are beginning to practice this. Corporations are already utilizing cloud services for online collaboration. Cloud services such as Google drive offer document collaboration. People can chat with each other, or leave comments, as they edit the document together online. This eliminates the need for sending emails to each other, and let people far from each other geographically work together conveniently. All a person would need is a web browser, and one would be able to see current state of the document without any delay. Further, he/she could contribute to the development of the document. The boost in productivity is tremendous. Many previous desktop-only office suites are currently moving towards supporting cloud services along with their desktop clients.
In conclusion, the Cloud will continue to grow more and more important in our lives. The cloud provides the user with a safe place to save one’s files, increased productivity, and universal accessibility. Some people are still concerned about the problem of security and say that information uploaded to the cloud could be exploited by Hackers. However, the cloud offers so many, great opportunities to the users. Whether one is happy about it or not, the Cloud will continue to grow more important. How we utilize the cloud will determine the exact usage of the Cloud in the future.
Great to see use of Google docs. The visual differences between the essays are not as obvious as they could be, however. All in all, good work.
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