Comment on 도헌's monthly Toefl essay:
Very well written:)
Goods: Fine choice of topic. Interesting. Each body paragraph has clear topic sentence and sufficient explanation.
Points to improve on: Just to fit the 4~5 paragraph format, the first and second paragraphs could be combined. There were some phrases that could be substituted with a word (concision). The conclusion seems too short, and content wise somewhat weak. Nothing to point out about content. Awesome work! :):)
2) http://adfontes96.blogspot.kr/2012/09/monthly-toefl-essay-1-custom-for-health.html
Comment on 다연's monthly Toefl essay:
<Likes>
1. Interesting topic. By the way, I was wondering if this custom is very exclusive to Koreans. Many Asian countries and Middle Eastern countries also practice this tradition. Well, nothing can be only Korean, so I was just wondering.
2. Well-formatted. I could easily break down your essay as I read along and it was good to see creative transitions like 'without a doubt'.
3. Most of all, agreeable. As I read your essay, I naturally nodded my head because I had to agree with it very much. Good points, well laid out.
<Dislikes>
1. Avoid being too personal. Sometimes, it is not bad to fabricate or generalize details and examples especially when it is TOEFL essays. Rather than saying 'I have seen a few friends suffer from asthma...' you could say that 'people have difficulties with...' something like this to add persuasive power to your essay. Don't be too afraid to extrapolate. This sounds funny and awkward, but I'm kinda serious here.
2. Grammatical errors. Although they are minor, it can be disturbing. Remember to insert articles and commas in the right place, and be careful about plurals.
Otherwise, great, intriguing essay :) Great job!
3) http://breakonekmla.blogspot.kr/2012/09/monthly-toefl-essay-1-real-learning.html?showComment=1354713067570#c8949044062012865438
<Comment on Dongil's Essay>
Hi~ very popular essay....!!
I think you grabbed a very interesting topic, something that people don't usually think of as Korean tradition. I never thought of this as tradition, because I never had so many book finishing parties.....Actually, no offense, but is this a real tradition commonly practiced? I guess it depends on how the parties are organized, but as one of the common students in Korea, I never had parents participate in such parties like you mentioned in the third paragraph.
Each paragraph and the essay as a whole are both well toefl-formatted, and I like how you tried hard to avoid redundancy of phrases. Very few grammatical mistakes.
However, it would have been even better if you:
1. Avoid being personal. A toefl essay is not a personal narrative, so it would be preferable to write in a 3rd person view (avoid using "I") and try to avoid personal examples.
2. 'that', 'this' issue. In attempt to avoid redundancy, you frequently use 'that' to substitute words; however, 'that' can sound casual when it is used too often. Try using similar words like 'such', or or other pronouns, etc.
3. Just a tweak, you repeated 'Moreover' two times in the same paragraph. Perhaps a little bit more attention and caution while writing? :)
Overall, great job. Intriguing essay!
Hi~ very popular essay....!!
I think you grabbed a very interesting topic, something that people don't usually think of as Korean tradition. I never thought of this as tradition, because I never had so many book finishing parties.....Actually, no offense, but is this a real tradition commonly practiced? I guess it depends on how the parties are organized, but as one of the common students in Korea, I never had parents participate in such parties like you mentioned in the third paragraph.
Each paragraph and the essay as a whole are both well toefl-formatted, and I like how you tried hard to avoid redundancy of phrases. Very few grammatical mistakes.
However, it would have been even better if you:
1. Avoid being personal. A toefl essay is not a personal narrative, so it would be preferable to write in a 3rd person view (avoid using "I") and try to avoid personal examples.
2. 'that', 'this' issue. In attempt to avoid redundancy, you frequently use 'that' to substitute words; however, 'that' can sound casual when it is used too often. Try using similar words like 'such', or or other pronouns, etc.
3. Just a tweak, you repeated 'Moreover' two times in the same paragraph. Perhaps a little bit more attention and caution while writing? :)
Overall, great job. Intriguing essay!
Excellent critiques and thorough comments. Good to see you did this post.
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