TOEFL Essay #2: The Rise of Minorities

The Rise of Minorities

     In the field of science, 20th century was a milestone. Many new scientific advances were introduced, resulting in efficient transportation and communication, longer life expectancy and convenience in everyday life. Compared to the 20th century, citizens of the 21st century are wealthier and display more individuality in lifestyle. Thus, not only in terms of science, many changes were brought in other fields of study, such as sociology, especially demography, politics and culture. Throughout the 21st century, the proportion of Asians and Africans in the global population will increase along with their proportion in total production, therefore increasing their cultural and political powers.

     First of all, Asia and Africa will show significant economic growth. Most of southern Asia and Africa are underdeveloped, such as Nepal, Kenya and Malaysia. A myriad of natural resources are to be mined in these areas. Valuable jewels, crude oil, and quality wood are ample compared to already developed countries. Also, plenty of cheap labor can also be provided from such countries. International conglomerates in many developed countries are already taking advantage of this fact, therefore contributing to the economic growth of those nations.
     Furthermore, Asian and African population will grow tremendously. The religious ethic of many of Asian and African countries promote fecundity or prohibit abortion, such as Muslims, Islams, and Catholics, which consequently leads to outgrowth of population. For instance, in the 1990's, population of Africa grew by 3% whereas the average population growth of the world was 1.7%. This phenomenon will continue in the 21st century. With more aid from wealthier countries and advanced medical technologies available, the life expectancy in those countries is also expected to rise. Additionally, the average age of the population is young, which proves their potential for growth in both economic and population terms.
      Finally, as a result of development of the two continents, they will have a larger voice in international organizations, such as UN. Biases showing disrespect regarding Asia and Africa, such as Orientalism, should significantly decrease. Also cultural products along with traditions will spread throughout the world similar to how American culture is deeply embedded into many parts of the globe these days. Some of the cultural ideas may include Confucianism or religions such as Buddhism. They will be less impacted by other nations in domestic politics, and have more impact in diplomacy.
     In conclusion, Africa and Asia will grow powerful and have more impact in the international society. They have great potential to grow economically. Also, their population is sure to increase exponentially in this era. Power shift is a natural phenomenon that occurs time to time, and Africans and Asians are the likely ones to hold power after the Americans. 

Movie Review #1: Earthlings, Somewhat Obvious Yet Shocking

(To watch Earthlings, click here.)

Shocked.
My hands were covering my face. I had observed what has been a part of a massacre happening everyday, even to this very moment. I could not utter a word, for I felt guilt for killing hundreds of 'earthlings' in brutal ways to fill my stomach with so-called protein, or in other words, 'flesh'. Mankind has shown no mercy in treating other earthlings which they should be thankful for their sacrificing to provide us with meat, medicine, clothing, and just about all areas of our daily lives.

What I just wrote above is what I would have written as a review if I was writing this post immediately after watching the documentary. It was filled with cruel and horrifying scenes that would have disgusted anyone.

When a picture is worth a thousand words, a video should be able to convey so many more words than a picture can. Much of the content that is seen in the video is what we already knew in words or occasionally in pictures. When you first heard that Earthlings is a documentary about animal cruelty, you could think of a list of things that you expected to see from the video. However, when we actually see butchers slit the throats of animals and the blood burst, we perceive it as something entirely different. Video is certainly a very powerful way to show the spectators that animal cruelty related to consumerism is a serious problem.

Despite the powerful and convincing message, barbarous and shocking content often dulls skepticism. The problem is addressed in the most effective form. So what? Are we on our own to figure out how to solve the problem? We are simply told to accept the facts, never to take any ACTIONS to help solve the issue. Also, a film is edited so that it is consistent with its main theme. 'Earthlings' leaves out many positive aspects involving cruelty issues, and only exposes the negative parts, therefore exaggerating its seriousness.

The documentary largely discusses 5 areas of animal cruelty; Pets, Food, Clothes, Entertainment and Scientific Research.

1. Pets

Many pets come from commercial backyard breeding mills.
Such harsh environments result in serious mental disorders that persists for life. Furthermore, many beloved animals are abandoned in the streets. They typically end up in animal shelters, awaiting death.
Not limited to the pet section but there is a common logic in commercially treated animals. They are mass produced in a cheap way, regardless of the conditions like industrial goods; a problem that is addressed, but never suggested a solution, again.

2. Food

In part 2, the interior of slaughterhouses are revealed, and the dirty and inhumane environment they are raised in. Even Kosher cows are treated brutally. Not much is different for sea animals, especially whales. People tend to forget that animals must be 'killed' to be consumed, thanks to the meat industry which has done a marvelous job in hiding such procedures. The Food section raises awareness of the fact that animals must be killed in brutal ways to be processed into edible form, rather than introducing new facts. After all, every animal must bleed to die. During surgery, humans bleed like the animals do when incisors cut through our flesh. It is nothing more than bleeding that happens in large scale. Is it possible to kill them in massive scale and with mercy? How?
Also, this section never mentions livestock raised in the field like in the picture above. Nowadays many customers aware of the conditions that animals are raised in prefer expensive products in which animals are treated properly.

3. Clothing

We wear the furs of minks, seals and leathers of other innocent animals. Often, the leathers are ripped off when the animals are alive, and they are left bare without skin, prolonging to be eaten by other animals, or death. The skin must be torn off when they are alive and not in shock to provide soft fur. Notably leather is treated with poisons to prevent from rotting.





4. Entertainment

Entertainment activities that involve animals include circuses, bullfighting and racing such as horse racing. Surely the treatment of animals in circuses were out of my imagination; violence and blood instead of sweet treats to induce them to stand or to the tricks. Also, any running animals are not running but screaming in pain with all their body in craze.
However, this section is not as serious or universal as other sections in this film. Circuses are not common these days and bullfighting is only taking place in Spain. I was rather surprised by with how much this issue was discussed considering its importance; It is exaggerated very much.

5. Scientific Research

Animals are being used in scientific research, mostly for experimenting instead of humans. Many go through untested drugs, and some are even used for testing physical therapy. Countless animals are being harmed and tortured to death each year, and the number is dramatically increasing that it is even impossible to keep in track. It is true that they are treated brutally. However, if the animals are not treated with such ways, humans will need to be in place for them to go under treatment of untested drugs and therapies that can threaten our lives. Whereas the director argues that we are learning about mice when we experiment human medicine with mice, amazingly 85% of our DNA match thus suitable for testing diseases. Although it has been a hot debate always, like all other issues mentioned above, only the stance of one side is presented; therefore leading to bias and rather less persuasiveness.

Consumerism is the biggest to blame; if we don't wish to consume it, it would never have been produced in the first place. However, do all of us must become vegetarians and stop consuming life-saving medicines? Not necessarily.

Random Post #1:The day before the midterm exam

Finally, the time has come. The Midterm Exams. Tomorrow, the exam period will begin which will last for a week, from Thursday to Wednesday of next week.

From my previous experiences, studying before the day of the exam really does no help. Instead, steady and slow preparation is what makes your grade and skills. On a day like today, typically my mind panics and refuses to absorb any academic material. So I decided to scribble on my blog just to keep myself on track and somewhat relax from this  state of total panic.

My exam schedule follows:

 -Thursday; Korean-Chinese(hanja), Math
 -Friday; AP Biology, English
 (No exams on the weekends; hurray!)
 -Monday; Korean
 -Tuesday; AP Microeconomics, Spanish I
 -Wednesday; AP US Govt. and Politics

The difficult subjects are Math and AP Biology; of course, other subjects cannot be described as easy that I can easily get As, but relatively they are less loads of work or studying in the course of preparation. One thing that upsets me is that I have the easier subjects during the latter of my exam period, which means that I have no time to haste before the weekend.

English is also a big concern for me because there is nothing I can prepare for. A college level essay, as Mr.Garrioch just warned our class, should be demanding work to accomplish within the given 50 minutes of exam period. Like before every exam or quiz, I do the typical regret again; "I should have prepared for it earlier." Like I said earlier, preparation on the day before whatever does not make much difference.

This is my first random post. I feel that blog posts really do help organizing my thoughts and most of all I feel less guilty than writing posts on Facebook.... I should do more blogging:)

Very tense, nervous, anxious, stressed, but the best remedy is to enjoy.

Wish everyone great luck on their exams. Muchas suertes!

Comment Archive #1

1) http://swishndd.blogspot.kr/2012/09/monthly-toefl-essay-1-cheers-everyone.html#comment-form

Comment on 도헌's monthly Toefl essay:

Very well written:)
Goods: Fine choice of topic. Interesting. Each body paragraph has clear topic sentence and sufficient explanation.
Points to improve on: Just to fit the 4~5 paragraph format, the first and second paragraphs could be combined. There were some phrases that could be substituted with a word (concision). The conclusion seems too short, and content wise somewhat weak. Nothing to point out about content. Awesome work! :):)

2) http://adfontes96.blogspot.kr/2012/09/monthly-toefl-essay-1-custom-for-health.html

Comment on 다연's monthly Toefl essay: 

<Likes>
1. Interesting topic. By the way, I was wondering if this custom is very exclusive to Koreans. Many Asian countries and Middle Eastern countries also practice this tradition. Well, nothing can be only Korean, so I was just wondering.
2. Well-formatted. I could easily break down your essay as I read along and it was good to see creative transitions like 'without a doubt'.
3. Most of all, agreeable. As I read your essay, I naturally nodded my head because I had to agree with it very much. Good points, well laid out.
<Dislikes>
1. Avoid being too personal. Sometimes, it is not bad to fabricate or generalize details and examples especially when it is TOEFL essays. Rather than saying 'I have seen a few friends suffer from asthma...' you could say that 'people have difficulties with...' something like this to add persuasive power to your essay. Don't be too afraid to extrapolate. This sounds funny and awkward, but I'm kinda serious here.
2. Grammatical errors. Although they are minor, it can be disturbing. Remember to insert articles and commas in the right place, and be careful about plurals.
Otherwise, great, intriguing essay :) Great job!



3) http://breakonekmla.blogspot.kr/2012/09/monthly-toefl-essay-1-real-learning.html?showComment=1354713067570#c8949044062012865438

<Comment on Dongil's Essay>

Hi~ very popular essay....!!
I think you grabbed a very interesting topic, something that people don't usually think of as Korean tradition. I never thought of this as tradition, because I never had so many book finishing parties.....Actually, no offense, but is this a real tradition commonly practiced? I guess it depends on how the parties are organized, but as one of the common students in Korea, I never had parents participate in such parties like you mentioned in the third paragraph.
Each paragraph and the essay as a whole are both well toefl-formatted, and I like how you tried hard to avoid redundancy of phrases. Very few grammatical mistakes.

However, it would have been even better if you:
1. Avoid being personal. A toefl essay is not a personal narrative, so it would be preferable to write in a 3rd person view (avoid using "I") and try to avoid personal examples.
2. 'that', 'this' issue. In attempt to avoid redundancy, you frequently use 'that' to substitute words; however, 'that' can sound casual when it is used too often. Try using similar words like 'such', or or other pronouns, etc.
3. Just a tweak, you repeated 'Moreover' two times in the same paragraph. Perhaps a little bit more attention and caution while writing? :)

Overall, great job. Intriguing essay!

TOEFL Essay #1 (Revised): Hanbok, Pride of Korea

Hanbok: Pride of Korea

Many Korean customs are receiving spotlights from around the world, such as bibimbap, kimchi and ondol. People from different cultures have begun to recognize the amazing scientific mechanisms involved in these customs and health benefits of Korean traditions. Aside from customs that are already well-known, one tradition that has become very popular recently is Hanbok, the traditional clothing of Korea. Prominent fashion designers have begun to include modern hanboks in their collections, and nowadays, there are quite a few famous hanbok designers respected in the field of fashion globally such as Lee Young Hee. Hanbok should be adopted in other cultures for its beauty, comfort, and style.

To begin with, hanbok is a beautiful clothing, which is composed of a variety of colorful fabrics. Usually, it is woven with natural dyed fabric. The colors of the natural dyes are comfortable to our eyes, unlike synthetic colors that can be dazzling. Hanbok is usually woven with silk, or sometimes burlap or moshi. The texture of such fabrics is unique and has a shine that makes the fabric look glossy. When the sheer sheets of silk are overlapped, our eyes perceive the colors of each layer combined, therefore producing a unique. natural color.  Naturally overlapping fabrics result in a mix of darker and lighter regions, expressing delicate and soft colors that cannot be expressed by dyes or any other means. Its texture and color is rich.

Furthermore, it is a very comfortable clothing. Korean ancestors have worn hanbok even while working in the fields. It was the everyday clothing just a few decades ago. Hanbok does not stick to the body, nor does it reveal the body shape explicitly. Relaxed fit allows a wide movement range which makes hanbok suitable to wear to all kinds of places and situations. Although the fit is relaxed, the clothing is not like a huge fabric bag where only the head can be seen.

Thirdly, hanbok is not an outdated clothing. Hanbok does not have a strict form which  llows it to be creatively redesigned. Many people still wear hanbok these days in the modern form, such as students of KMLA who wear hanbok as their school uniform. Although it is mandatory to wear the uniform, majority of students are satisfied with the clothing because it does not hinder with everyday activities and it is not so old-fashioned. Even foreign teachers in KMLA from various countries wear them without complaints, because it is redesigned to fit modern people's style as well as comfort.

To sum up, hanbok is a great Korean custom to be adopted globally. It is not an outdated traditional clothing but fashionable, having unique texture and natural colors. Also, it is suitable to wear everyday because it is comfortable. Globalization of hanbok would surely positively influence other cultures. It is a tradition that Koreans can be proud about, and what should be shared to the world.